I never thought I would be that woman. The one who said "oh, when I lose 5 or 10 pounds...." I never expected to have a closet full of clothes that I hope to fit back into some day.
But, I am that woman.
I am not fat. No, and I won't ever say that I am. In fact, I rarely talk about weight at all because I have dear friends who really struggle with their weight, and it feels like a slap in their face to talk about it. I'm told frequently that I'm thin. And mostly, I am. In fact, I weigh only a few pounds more than I did when I graduated college. The weight has, however, rearranged itself.
I've been blessed with pretty good genes. I was super skinny growing up, and in high school hid behind over sized shirts (if I were that thin now, I'd slip on the skinny jeans and strappy tank tops! But back then, in the days before Kate Moss and Calista Flockhart, curvy was in, and curvy I was not. I had a boy draw a board in one of my yearbooks, because my chest was that flat. Nice, huh?)
I've curved out a bit (in fact, my husband says "if only that boy could see you now!"). But the area I wish wasn't quite so curved is my belly. It has always been the place where I held any excess weight, but even more so now that I've borne a child.
I'm tired of being this woman who wants to weigh less, but doesn't do much about it. And so.... I am putting myself on a mission. To lose the weight, yes, but really, to feel good about the weight that I am at. This is the key thing for me. I need to lose the expectation that i will look like a super thin super model. I don't think I will ever again wear a bikini (I think of how I lost 10 college pounds so I could wear a bikini on my honeymoon, and how self-conscious I felt then. Oh, if I knew then what I knew now I would have worn that little number with pride!). I'm OK with that. But I want to feel good about my body. So... I am going to try to lose weight, yes. But weight is just the number, the easy thing to measure. I am also going to work on improving my posture, which is a problem. I am going to build strength in my arms and back. I want to feel good in this body. My plan is that by Christmas, if I am not on my way to losing this little bit, that I will get rid of those clothes I am hanging on to "in hopes" That I will readjust my thinking of what my body can be. Because I don't want to be unrealistic. And I don't want to spend the rest of my life staring wistfully at the lovely clothes I can't wear. But I also don't want to accept something that I can change. And if I find I can change it, then hurrah for me. But if I can't.... well, what I have is not bad. It's not. I just want to be more confident, more comfortable, and to know that I have accepted my body not because it's "ideal," but because it is what it is, and longing for something else isn't worth the emotional effort.
But wanting something and not trying to get it, well, I'm sick of that. I'm changing that, starting now.