tomorrow and tomorrow and tomorrow

My grandfather died Monday night. I'm relieved it went quickly, overall, but still sad. The May Queen cried when we told her the next morning.

I realize that although all of my grandparents saw me into adulthood, this grandfather was the only one whom I really knew as an adult. He visited our family, and we visited him. He told stories of his time in the Navy, of his childhood, of his love for my grandmother. We went sight seeing together, we played games around the table, and we enjoyed each others company. Like friends.

But he was still always my Gramps.

And I'll miss him.

< three

I don't know how to tell the story of my grandfather dying.

Every day there is at least one e-mail in my inbox documenting his rapid decline. It's only been three weeks since he was diagnosed with late stage pancreatic cancer.

It's been less than three months since I last saw him. Since we walked together, and sat chatting poolside while the kids played.

Three months before that he was still regularly playing tennis, before stopping for his usual summer break as the heat in Florida became too unbearable and his usual partners made their summer treks back north.

But three days ago my mother sat at my kitchen table, tears in her eyes, telling me what it's like to be watching her father die. Preparing herself to fly back to Florida the next day to stay with him until the end. Which cannot be far off. It is happening incredibly quickly, although the days of caring for him creep by incredibly slowly.



Growing up I knew I was lucky to have all four of my grandparents alive. All 4 were there for my confirmation. My high school graduation. My college graduation. My wedding.

My grandfather is the last man standing.

He has lived a full and active 86 years. He will likely die in his own home (thanks to Hospice and the generous care of his three children).



The May Queen has a special relationship with him. For the longest time she insisted he be called Great Grandpa [Maypole]. If I left his surname out in referring to him, I was scolded. He would pretend to nap on the couch while she piled him high with stuffed animals, then he would "wake up" and scare her. She would giggle. He would grab an animal and chase her in circles around the house. He played endless games with her. They sat at our kitchen table and colored. He allowed her to dress him up in the silliest outfits.

impromptu dance party, May 2007

When she heard that her Great Grandpa was sick, she immediately wanted to go visit him. I debated it, but quickly realized it would not be good. I want her to remember him as he was, not as he is now. They just had a wonderful time together this summer. She said to my mother "you're so lucky you get to go see Great Grandpa." It broke my heart. Is it lucky to watch and wait for your father to die?

But we have been lucky. The May Queen has been lucky. Because she got to know him, her great grandfather.

Nov 2008

Unusual gifts

 
I'm currently in Michigan, helping to take care of my in-laws.  My mother in law is home from the hospital, and moving slowly but doing well.
 
Before I left home it seemed the list of things to do was endless.  I barely slept for 3 nights straight trying to get everything done.  I will return to a messy house and lots more to do.
 
But in the meantime, I'm getting a lot of reading done.  I got all my Christmas cards done this evening, something I didn't have time to sit down and do while I was at home.  I have to take things my slowly, at my in-laws' pace.  And while there are things to do here, certainly, they all get done more slowly. And with lots of breaks in between.
 
I miss being home with The May Queen as Christmas draws near.  I miss baking cookies and making crafts.  I'm missing Christmas parties and going to the live nativity.
 
But I was here for a 54th wedding anniversary. I got to set up another Christmas tree.  And I'm catching up on sleep.
 
This has not been the December I envisioned for many reasons, this unexpected trip being one of them.  Yet there are still gifts to be found.
 
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Don't forget to join us for Monday's Mission:  write post in the style of a Holiday Tune (inspired by Jeri's 12 Days of Christmas spin-off)

Thanksgiving: Daily Gratitude 26

I'm grateful for a loud and full Thanksgiving celebration: for stampeding children and piles of tasty food and flowing wine and the convergence of family. I'm grateful for an adorable nephew who shares my love of sharks and insists that he hates when I give him a zerbert (aka "raspberry") but keeps coming back for more, amidst peals of laughter.

And thousands of miles away, I'm reminded how thankful I am for my husband, who is generous enough to share his wife and daughter with other family, while he is home alone. Who for 13 years has been steady and sure, providing for me and for our daughter. Who has allowed me much freedom to do the things I love.

And, of course, I am grateful for The May Queen. Her presence in my life has taught me things about love I didn't know I had to learn.

I am blessed beyond measure.

Home for the Holidays: Daily Gratitude 23

I'm grateful for real apple cider and donuts. You can't quite duplicate them in Louisiana. It's too late in the season to see the presses running, and the fall activities at the farm have all been closed down, replaced with the first crop of Christmas trees. But still. Cider at the farm. Delightful.

I'm grateful that a few tress are still showing their fall colors. Of all the seasons we lose in the south, I miss fall the most. It's the tail end of fall here in Michigan. Most of the trees are bare and the landscape is brown and forlorn. 48 degrees is colder than just about any day in New Orleans. But it makes a cozy sweatshirt all the better, and the warmth of reading in the living room near a fire or gathering around the table for some family competition (games!) all the more welcoming.

I'm grateful for sleeping in, then waking up to pumpkin pancakes. I'm grateful for time to color and play trains. I'm grateful that even though my parents have moved twice since I was married and moved out, their house still feels like coming home.

Daily Gratitude 22

I'm grateful for delicious homecooked meals that I didn't have to make.  I'm grateful for family, and especially for The May Queen and her cousin who are now old enough to play well together with little direction or refereeing. I'm grateful to be sleeping in my childhood bed. I'm wishing that my husband had been able to come, too, but am grateful that he encouraged the May Queen and I to come without him. I'm grateful that friends are including him in their Thanksgiving plans.  

I'm also grateful for my iPhone, which is making this post possible. However, that may make my posts this week extra short. This keypad is pretty small!

...Ain't got time to take a fast train: Daily Gratitude 21

I'm really grateful for airplanes.

Trust me, I have horror stories of sleeping on the floor at the Atlanta airport, and the Northwest Airlines employees who kept insisting we would be leaving in the blizzard "any minute," and who refused to get our luggage for us or change our reservation when we finally called my brother to come and get us. The Detroit Metro airport was then closed for 3 days, and we had made it out just in time.

I hate the expensive airport food and the way they make you take off your shoes before you can pass through security.

I hate the uncomfortable seats with no leg room and the sad excuse of a meal they feed you, if you're lucky.

I hate having to entertain a child on the flight.

I really hate when they lose your luggage.

But I am still grateful. Because otherwise it would be very difficult to visit our family. Which is what The May Queen and I are doing right now. Thanks to the airplane.

________________________
Reminder: Monday's mission is to write a post in the form of an acrostic.

Make
It
Silly
Serious
Irreverent
Or
Nonsensical

...just do it!

family and libraries: Daily Gratitude 20

I'm grateful for relatives in town... two different sets attending two different conferences (yay, New Orleans!) and getting to spend time with them.

I'm also thankful for public libraries. And the kind and gentle people who work at them, such as the lady who did not get outwardly irritated with the woman who kept insisting she wanted to borrow a Twilight book, and didn't understand that they were all checked out. Because half the known world is reading them at the moment. And the other woman who kept her good humor when a man kept loudly insisting that it wasn't free, because he paid his taxes. True enough, she agreed. She paid her taxes, too.

I paid my taxes, too, and headed straight to the far less popular drama aisle. The books I wanted were in.

Family dinner: Daily Gratitude 16

I'm grateful for the opportunity to cook an actual meal for my family. And eat it all together. And not rush off to rehearsal after.

Cats and parents: Daily Gratitude 1

Every November I look on in horror as bloggers all around me sign on for this whole posting every day craziness that is NaBloPoMo. Because every year I seem to be up to my neck in rehearsals and/or performances for something and I know my reader is about to explode.

This year is no exception.

And so it is that I cannot believe that I've just felt the urge to TRY.... to TRY to do it myself.

The first 15 days of November promise to be insane. Insane.

But for that very reason it seems to me that it might be a good discipline to post something that I am grateful for every day. Even if it's just a few words. So I'm gonna give it a shot. For me.

Ack.

Today I'm feeling very grateful for parents who took me to plays as a child. This afternoon I took The May Queen to see Cats... it's the triumphant return of Broadway touring shows to NOLA after Katrina wiped out all our big theatres. I first saw Cats when I was 11 or 12. I remember my mother reading us the T.S. Eliot poems the show is based on from a library book as we drove to the theatre. I remember the thrill of intricate set (the May Queen and I peered at it through binoculars and challenged each other to find certain details - "do you see the paintbrush?" - before the show), the incredible dancing, the cat that prowled so near to us in aisle. When the lights dimmed and the orchestra began today I felt that same rush I felt as a child.

I watch any show now with different eyes... trained eyes, experienced eyes. I look for what works and what doesn't... and why. But there's no denying that inside... my heart was leaping and spinning, just like the dancers on that stage. Just like it did when I first saw it. BECAUSE it did when I first saw it.

Because I had parents who took me to see it.

(and I am grateful that I have until tomorrow to come up with a Monday Mission... because even though I usually get the ball rolling on Sunday night... I am coming up dry at the moment)

Missions for a New Year

I've been having a wonderful week with family and friends in Michigan. This afternoon I'll get to see The Dragonfly for the first time in almost 2 years, and I'll meet her Little Mister for the first time ever. I'm psyched. The May Queen has been playing in the snow, playing (and fighting!) with her cousins, and is being spoiled by grandparents and other relatives. I've been marveling at how my high school friends don't possibly look old enough to have teenagers themselves (we don't look like our parents did, do we?) and reminding myself, via old photos, that permed hair really ISN'T a good idea (not that I was planning on it, or anything...).

And now it's a new year, and, as promised, it's time for some new Monday Missions. I'm terrible at resolutions, as evidenced by my complete failure last year, yet still I will put before you the friendly challenge to try to do at least one mission a month. Trust me, they're fun!

Your Monday Missions for January 2009, should you choose to accept them, are to write posts in the style of...

Jan 5th - a prediction. Imagine yourself as Nostradamus, read your tea leaves or just try to predict the weather.

Jan 12th - A sales pitch for your house, from the point of view of your house (if these walls could talk...). Idea courtesy of Bayou Belle

Jan 19th - A photo (or series of photos) with the conversation that goes along with it. I have totally stolen this idea from the fabulous posts at Ewe are Here wherein she imagines the conversations between her boys as she tries to get their picture (like this one ). The conversation does not have to be between people.

Jan 26th- A diary entry

I wish you all a very Happy New Year!

Christmas Errata

The May Queen and I have safely arrived in Michigan, and are currently ensconced at the in-laws. Visions of building a snow fort are surely dancing through MQ's dreams, so you know what we'll be doing in the morning. The May Queen is continuing to earn her inherited title of "The Director" (which she took over when my grandmother died over 4 years ago... yes, we knew even then...) by declaring things like "We will each open two presents, and then Mommy will make scrambled eggs while I play with my newly opened toys, and then we will open the rest of the presents." Which is pretty much how it went down. The Big Guy and I got a kick out of opening all the presents she got for us... things of "hers" that she wrapped for us... many of which were ours to begin with (like the Detriot Lions stuffed animal she stole from her daddy years ago). She did take into account our tastes, though. She gave me several shark story books. Even though I didn't win over at Magpies, The Big Guy got me a Wii fit! Or will get me one... as soon as the stores restock. He also is having an apron made for me... I expressed that I wanted one that went over the shoulders and not my neck (that always bothers me) and couldn't find one... and it turns out that a woman at our church makes aprons. How cool is that? So I am pleased as punch with my soon to be arriving gifts. After opening presents I packed us up, and we nearly didn't make it to the airport due to INSANE traffic caused by a wee bit of fog and overacting bridge officials, but we made it, and The May Queen has already scaled the snowy mountains a few times, at 10:30 at night, and who can blame, her really? What an adventure for a little southern girl.

A Season of Thanks

I, like you, have many things to be thankful for this Thanksgiving Day. And I, perhaps like you, spent a fair amount of the day grumbling... at least in my head.

I'm having a hard time reconciling the Thanksgiving in my brain with the one that actually happens, and this morning I felt awfully grumpy about the ordinariness of the day.

But by now, the end... as I sit sipping a glass (er...what number is it?) of wine and still stuffed to the gills from our 3:30 dinner, I am thankful for our quiet and relaxing day. Thankful for the fried turkey we bought from our church as a fundraiser to feed children in Haiti. Thankful for our friend who came to eat with us, bringing several yummy dishes. Thankful for my grandfather who is staying with us all this week, and today told stories about meeting my grandmother and getting the dog they had when my mother grew up. Thankful that The May Queen is old enough to play games like Uno, and that we could all gather around the table and laugh and enjoy each other's company.

It's not a loud bustling Thanksgiving. It was quiet, and almost ordinary. A sharing of a meal by a small group of family and friends. And that is truly something to be grateful for.

I am also very thankful for this lovely decoration, which I won a few weeks ago over at Potted Frog. The photo does not do it justice, particularly with the sun shining on it like that, but it's a wonderful and warm welcome to my home, hanging just inside the door, and will be a reminder for years to come of how thankful I am for all of you... my bloggy friends. And Louise... THANKS! I love it!

A season of thanks... a season of blessings... a season of love

Road Trip, Volume 4

It's been over 2 weeks and 3,000 miles and it's not over yet!

We had a lovely time in Massachusetts with The Big Guy's sister. Whenever we weren't doing something else The May Queen would grab one or more of us to play Uno with her. She also was rather taken with the dogs, although I'm not sure the feeling was entirely mutual. Picking blackberries in her Aunt's backyard was also a treat.

We took a few day trips - one up to York Beach in Maine where we went to a fun amusement park/zoo combo where we rode an elephant and a paddle boat, eyed the beach from the ferris wheel and enjoyed other carnival rides and animal viewing (the animals were really active, with lots of babies, so it was quite fun!)

Afterwards we ducked over to the beach so The May Queen could get into the Atlantic for the first time. It was so cold it was like icicles were stabbing us in the feet! She loved to stand still and "shrink" as the waves in and out pulled the sand out from under our feet and we sank lower and lower. We also built a sandcastle, a new home for a hermit crab we found, before heading back.

The next day we went into Vermont and canoed the Connecticut River. Alas, no pictures, but it was a nice morning in the Green Mountain State. We enjoyed our lunch in town, where it seemed every other store was a bookstore, but I missed my chance to go into the store that was named "Save the Corporations from Themselves" due to stopping to watch a little excitement with firetrucks.

We went into New Hampshire several times to visit with an old friend of The Big Guy's from when he lived and worked there. As we drove to the restaurant where they drank many a sangria together in times past MQ asked where we were going. "Down memory lane," I replied. I received a sideways glare. But I spoke the truth.

On the way out of Massachusetts we stopped at the Eric Carle Museum of Picture Book Art, which was fun, and MQ enjoyed making her own tissue paper art. This may be the only picture I have ever taken in a public bathroom, but we loved all the animal tiles and enjoyed remembering which book they were from.

We stopped in Philly to visit again with friends there before heading south to drop The Big Guy off at camp with a group from church tomorrow. We girls will continue on to visit with more family in South Carolina. In some ways it's hard being so spread out from our family and friends, but it sure makes for fun vacations!

A few of the states we've visited since my last update: