Thursday, April 5, 2012

The ORIGINAL ending to The Gospel of Mark

I've found it! The UNTIL NOW missing part of the bible that everyone else seems to be following, but I never could figure out why! As you may know, there is scholarly debate over the ending of the gospel of Mark, and most people agree that Mark 16:9-20 is a later addition. But I have found the REAL, ORIGINAL version of these verses (with one additional verse!), and somehow, people of today have apparently been led by the Holy Spirit to follow them even thought they had not read them. These verses also reveal that Facebook has been around for much longer than Mark Zuckerberg. The technology must have been lost around the same time as these verses were (perhaps in the destruction of Jerusalem?) and I wouldn't be surprised if Mr. Zuckerberg himself found these verses (heck, he's named after the Apostle Mark himself! It was probably preordained!) and invented Facebook, just so that we can live out our faith as Jesus wanted. That last bit, of course, is just my speculation. Regardless, I am sure that these newly found verses are authentic. Here they are, for your spiritual fulfillment:

9 When Jesus rose early on the first day of the week, he appeared first to Mary Magdalene, but this has no significance, and does not indicate that women should be given leadership roles of any form. 10 She went and posted on Facebook that Jesus was alive, and entreated all of her friends to copy and paste. 11 When the disciples read that Jesus was alive and that Mary had seen him, they did not believe it, and decided that men should be forever in charge of women for they clearly could not be trusted. And they did not re-post.

12 Afterward Jesus appeared in a different form to two of them while they were walking in the country. 13 He told them that it didn't matter if they had to miss worship for things like sleeping in, sports events, or going to a movie. Worship and community were just suggestions, and not all that important, really, to the living out of their faith. In fact, he wasn't sure why he ever bothered to mention them at all.

14 Later Jesus appeared to the Eleven as they were eating; he rebuked them for their lack of faith and their stubborn refusal to re-post Mary's status.

15 He said to them, “Go into all the world and re-post the gospel to all your friends. 16 Whoever re-posts will be saved, but whoever does not re-post will be condemned."

17 The disciples knew this might be their last chance to ask Jesus questions about his gospel, and so they asked "Lord, you have commanded us to care for the sick. How should we best do this? By working to heal and cure? By delivering meals to those who are ill and their families? By visiting them in their illness, and praying for their health and peace?" 18 Jesus replied "Oh, those things are fine, but really, all you need to do is raise AWARENESS of the illness. Wear pink. Tell the world the color of the bra you are wearing. Pin a red ribbon to your chest. Put an Autism puzzle magnet on the back of your car. Everyone will understand if you don't actually want to be around people who are sick. They can be gross!"

19 The disciples had many more questions: how best to achieve peace and justice; did they really have to love ALL their neighbors; and, most importantly, what was a car and were they, as men, even allowed to wear bras. But lo, at that moment the Lord Jesus was taken up into heaven and he sat at the right hand of God, checking Facebook to make sure that his disciples had accepted his friend requests. 20 Then the disciples hurried to their computers and posted that Jesus was their hero, and anyone who loved God had better copy and paste as their status for at least one hour, lest Jesus know they were ashamed of their faith. 21 After the prescribed hour had passed the disciples posted a link for all their friends to donate to a charity walk they were participating in to raise awareness of their pet illness/social justice issue, then returned to posting snarky status updates about how "some people" behave and cute pictures of kittens, content that they had fulfilled the commandments of their Lord and Savior, Jesus Christ.


alejna said...


You do have a biting sense of humor, and a way with words. Good thing you are not bitter.



Magpie said...

Eleven jumped out at me, and I felt sure that Seven Eleven was going to be in here someplace.

MARY G said...

Don't know whether I should be laughing or not. Tsk! Such IRREVERENCE! I am simply shocked, my dear.
Snort. Today is chocolate rabbit Saturday, isn't it. No snickers.

Kyla said...

Hahaha! Awesome.