Biting my virtual tongue

Some Facebook statuses I'll never actually post:

Painted Maypole doesn't care what you had for lunch. Unless it was monkey brains.

Painted Maypole can't help but think, every time you post that you need more ammunition or seeds or food for your pink llama, that what you really need is a life.

Painted Maypole finds it really creepy when married couples communicate everyday information to each other via FB wall posts.

Painted Maypole wishes that you were in the 98% of people who don't copy and paste.

Painted Maypole understands that typos happen, but thinks that if you're starting a page for FB you really ought to spell everything correctly.

Painted Maypole can't understand why you post dire warnings about FB invading our privacy, but then constantly run applications that warn you they are going to access all your information.

Painted Maypole will usually deny the use of such applications, no matter how curious she is about the question you answered about her.

Painted Maypole sometimes leaves the FB page open on her computer and walks away for hours, therefore missing your chat. Sometimes she just pretends that she has. You'll never know which it really is.

What are some FB statuses you'll never post?