Tuesday, July 10, 2007

Warning: Children can be hazardous to your health

Yesterday I wrote about the health benefits of living each day with a child. There are also, however, things that effect your health negatively. Here is a partial list:

Legos on the floor. And Barbies. And blocks. And balls. And teeny, tiny Polly Pocket shoes (who invented them? I want to egg their house) In addition to minor foot injuries, these can also cause you to trip, fall and incur injuries to other points of your body.

Bony child elbows in your stomach. Or, as my husband deals with on a nearly daily basis as we "cuddle" in bed in the morning, to the crotch (we think this is The May Queen's way of ensuring she remains an only child).

Eating the leftover macaroni and cheese off of your child's plate. And the mashed potatoes. And the pork chops. And the half eaten taco. The mystery of the pounds I can't lose suddenly reveals itself.

Head butts. This is particularly common with small babies. As you hold them near to your face, drinking in that fabulous baby head smell, they rear back, and throw their head at you as hard as they can. If you are still standing, your concussion is probably minor. If you have fallen over, you may want to see a doctor.

Every germ that your child brings home from school or daycare becomes a family germ, passed repeatedly around the family until some new germ comes to take its place.

Oddly shaped sunburns. Trusting a 4 year old to apply sunscreen to your back is a hit or miss situation, but you really can't sidle up to the cute guy at the beach and ask HIM to do it, either. That is, if you remember to put it on at all after slathering it all over your child's precious skin.

Shoulder pain from repeatedly handing cups, toys and snacks to your child in the back seat of the car. This can become much worse if you take your eyes off of the road to hand them something, so just deal with the twisting shoulder.

Hearing loss. The reasons for this are many, but they include screaming children and unreasonably loud toys.

Back pain. You've carried a child, even if you don't have one yourself. I should not have to explain this to you.

Lack of sleep. We all know we should be getting about 8 hours of sleep for maximum health. Clearly the only parents experiencing maximum health are those who never clean, engage in a hobby, have an adult conversation or read a book. Or blog.

Heartache. This comes from wearing your heart outside your body, and it aches every time that tiny person now carrying it falls, cries, or experiences disappointment. It also aches every time that small person reaches a milestone, meaning they need you just a tiny bit less. And sometimes it aches just because that tiny person is sleeping so beautifully, so sweetly and so innocently.

Fortunately, all the health benefits in the previous list outweigh these negatives. But maybe not if I keep eating all that mac n cheese.

12 comments:

Furrow said...

Oh, NOW you tell me. Ah well, I kind of dig pain.

Sober Briquette said...

Recently, Fiona has been getting more than her share of whacks in the forehead from my elbow. One of the hazards of being tall and prone to sudden lungeing hugs.

Aliki2006 said...

Thanks for stopping by my blog today...

I can relate to all those hazards, especially the consumption of leftovers. I can't remember what it was like to NOT eat someone's leftover food...

Lawyer Mama said...

Ah, yes. Every day there are new bruises and pains - inside and out.

thailandchani said...

Oh, heavens! What a situation! :)

Thanks for a lighthearted post. I really enjoyed it.


Peace,

~!Chani

Ally said...

Hey, thanks for stopping by my blog, so that I could click on your link and discover yours! I love your list, on so many levels.

nomotherearth said...

Yes, to everything. My big problem these days is the elbow to the stomach. That, and the Boy sitting on my stomach. Not good.

slouching mom said...

This rings very true. Especially the head butts. I remember a couple that made me see stars. Yes, actual stars.

ewe are here said...

Oh yes. Yes to everything. Plus, in regards to head butts, head butts to the nose. Ouch!

blooming desertpea said...

LOL - I agree with you completely. Sometimes I wonder how I survived all that. I should have died from lack of sleep a long time ago ...

thirtysomething said...

Girl. We could have such fun. I just know it. I laughed so hard while reading I had tears. The head butts, the shoulder pain, the screeching and annoying toys. This is SO my world. Glad to know someone else lives here too. :)

Heather said...

"wearing your heart outside your body" EXACTLY.